I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Randomize
