I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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