i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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