I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
My cat gives me a boner
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
