Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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