I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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