I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
So apparently I’m into choking now
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