you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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