I wish my penis had an off switch
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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