You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
