There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
