omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
