I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Randomize
