my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
