Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
