u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
