last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
