I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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