I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
