she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
