Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
