Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
