found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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