Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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