Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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