I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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