I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
