They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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