No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
