I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
So much rum. So many feels.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
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