I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
