remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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