You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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