i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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