A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
