I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize