at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
