Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
