Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
