there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
