I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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