Fine. I'll sleep in my office
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
im holly from the hills drunk
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Randomize
