well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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