just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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