So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
