Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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