I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
