Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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