Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
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