Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
