I didn't shave. On purpose
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
