Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
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