from now on my penis is your penis
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
