So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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