I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Don't EVER smell your tampon
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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