how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
